Tuesday, September 29, 2015

With deepest grief....

My darling baby Brooke danced her way into our lives when we first saw her picture 9 months ago.  My sweet daughter danced her way into her Daddy's arms on Sept 13th.  She delighted him with her smile, her songs, and her spunk.  She danced her way from my dreams into my arms on Sept. 24th.  She sang, she smiled, she danced, she snuggled - the daughter of my dreams.

On Saturday night/Sunday morning, she lost some spunk and developed a fever and began throwing up.  I felt yucky too - fever/nausea.  I thought we were in for a tough round of the flu.  I worried about my tiny girl and prayed through the day and night.  On Monday, we decided to take her in if she could not hold her food down.  But she did!  The fever subsided a bit and she began eating.  I was still worried over my tiny dancer and tried several times to get a sooner appointment with a doctor.   (We were scheduled for 10/8 with our pediatrician).  I finally got an appointment for Tuesday morning with a doctor who specializes with children with Down Syndrome.  I told Handsome though that we would take her in to urgent care if she started throwing up again.  We kept giving her liquids and food.  She began to play again, though weakly.  Then she got cranky!  She didn't want to be held and hit her sister when she tried to help.  We thought she was on the road to recovery....

Then suddenly, she went limp...and went blue.  We called 911 and began CPR.  CPR on my own baby.  There are some horrors and some scenes that will never be gone.  We continued until the medics got there....but my baby was gone.

This child I prayed over for so long.  This child I longed for and begged God for.  This child that danced her way through my heart and dreams and finally into my arms is gone.

I know she is now dancing with joy with our Savior, Jesus Christ.  But oh, how I long to have been able to hold her longer.  Our dance together had just begun....

The medical examiner called this evening - a call we were waiting desperately for....for some kind of answers.  My beautiful baby died of pneumonia.  It went from her lungs into her bloodstream - and therefore, everywhere.  I asked through my sobs how she could have died so quickly of pneumonia - she was seemingly getting better.  He told me - though I knew it already - that every body - especially those of children with special needs - reacts differently.  He also said that it appears that her immune system was not functioning right.  These are just the preliminary results - there is more testing to be done.

For Handsome, this brought great peace - that we had not "missed" something or had done something wrong.  Her body did not give us the indications that we would assume.  She was not running a high temp - it was 99.7.  She was not coughing.  Plus, I had the same symptoms that she seemed to have....so we didn't think differently......
 
For me, I just ache to hold my baby.  My mama's heart cries, "How could I miss that?"....but even as my heart rages, I know in my head that there was just nothing screaming that something was wrong.  The "what ifs" are raging around me....what if I hadn't have had the same symptoms....we would have rushed her in.....what if....what if...what if....these are the demons that dance around me tonight.  I want my baby girl.  How I want my baby girl....

We don't know what the future holds - I am still struggling to find the next breath - we just don't know....the only thing I am sure of is that my God is good and that the black thoughts are closing in.

Please pray for my family.  Pray for my children.  Pray for my son that took turns with me doing CPR.  He had to do CPR on his own baby sister.  Pray for Handsome as he struggles with deepest grief.

Pray for the days ahead as we need to do things that no parent should ever have to do - choose a cemetery...a casket....a headstone....

Pray for me as the demons scream with glee all around my heart tonight...





26 comments:

  1. No words can express the saddness I am feeling for all of you. I know all I can do is pray for you, your family and that beautiful soul.
    Peace

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  2. Amy and family, I am so, so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss. No words. Thinking of you tonight.

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  3. My heart is broken. You have our love and prayers as you wade through this tragedy. I wish I had words to ease your pain. Praying....

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  4. Dear friends, Though we have not met, we had the joy of loving and caring for Brooke when we visited China. Words cannot express how saddened we are to hear of this news. May God's deep comfort and everlasting peace surround and fill your family today, tonight and in the days ahead. Your little dancer is dancing in heaven and though our hearts are heavy, we rejoice because she is with Him. Lots of love and prayers.

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  5. I read your blog and am so deeply sorry for your loss. How much love your dear girl was surrounded by in these last weeks. May God bless you and keep you all, may God shine God's light on you all and may God comfort you and grant you peace.

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  6. Oh Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for your precious family.

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  7. Praying praying praying....lifting you up to be carried by Him!

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  8. I am very sorry for your loss.

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  9. This is one of those times our hearts scream "Why, Lord??".
    Lord, have mercy and send your peace.

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  10. Dear Amy and Family,

    I am so sorry for the loss of Brooke and for the pain your family is in. My heart broke when I read your blog. I keep you in my prayers and thoughts, all of you. May you grieve, may you heal, may you find peace. Sherry R. Jackson

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  11. Maybe in God's plan it was to have her there, surrounded by family & people that loved her. So she felt love & peace in her last breaths..... so very sorry.

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  12. Prayers for your whole family...may she dance in Heaven with Jesus and all of God's littlest angels

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  13. Praying for you all Shonette! I know losing a daughter is the hardest thing, the sharpest pain, a mother's heart will ever endure. Maybe Brooke and Angela Grace are playing together in heaven. Until we get to hold them in our arms it's ok to let the tears fall

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  14. Praying for you Shonette! I know that losing a daughter is the hardest thing, the sharpest pain, a mother's heart will ever endure. Maybe Brooke and Angela Grace are playing with eachother in heaven. Until we get to hold them again, it's ok to let the tears fall.

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  15. Dear, Dear Amy - Oh my heart aches for You, Mama and for Daddy. For all of your children. There are no words that I can offer. I can and will pray. Brooke spent her last days with her family. Family. She was a Daughter. She will be laid to rest with a family name. And, she went directly into the Arms of The Almighty Father.
    Please, know that you are not at fault. Sepsis happens quickly. My Sister, how can I help? How can the Family of God help your family? Where can we give to help with the cost of Brooke's funeral?
    I know it is difficult to answer these questions... it is difficult to even ask them. This is the time to allow others who love you and your family, to come along side and help. Know that you are so loved. Hug your children for me. ~ Jo

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  16. My heart is breaking for your family. My prayers are with you all. So thankful Brooke is with our father in heaven perfect and happy, waiting to know her family more deeply when they join her!

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  17. Amy and Family, I am so sorry to hear of Brooke's death. My heart breaks for all of you. You are all in my prayers and thoughts. --Sherry R. Jackson

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  18. Angie Johnson, Another China mamaSeptember 30, 2015 at 8:06 PM

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. May God carry you and your family through this difficult time...and may you have peace that she knew she was loved, right into her Creator's arms. She is suffering no more, but celebrating with a whole, healthy body in Heaven.

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  19. I am so very sorry for your loss!

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  20. Praying the Lord will comfort you hearts.

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  21. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for your family. Please know I am praying...may our Heavenly Father bring the peace and comfort that only He can give.

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  22. Oh Amy! Our family has been grieving with you and praying fervently for your family all week. But this....words from a mama's heart.....just bring me to tears and to my knees again. You are loved! - Jen Shuck

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  23. I am so sorry for your loss! She was so beautiful!

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