Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Things parents should never have to do....

Today, Handsome and I went to the funeral home.  It is a place I passed almost every week as a child when we went to church.  I always thought as beautiful as the cemetery was, I never wanted to have to enter that place, because it meant sadness and goodbyes.  That hit me so hard as I walked through the parking lot today.  Sadness and goodbyes.  Places I never thought I would have to go...

Grief is a odd thing.  Things that did not bother me, were huge to Handsome....and the other way around as well.  Details that I would have said before now would not be important to me, were suddenly very important.  Little things..like the color of the casket.  Why would that be so important?  I will never see it again....but it just had to be white.


A couple of times, my heart was screaming that I couldn't do this!  I couldn't make these decisions....I should be home.....I should be rocking Brooke....not planning her funeral.

The hardest thing was picking the headstone - how do you sum up a priceless treasure on a tiny headstone?  But God gave us the words and in it was a tiny bit of closure.  After her name and dates, it will say, "Once orphaned, now our treasured daughter.  Ours and His forever.  Psalm 68:5-6."

I am still not ready to try to close my eyes tonight and fight to not picture her during those last horrible minutes.  Or to try not to run through my list of "I wish" or "What if".  Last night was a very, very hard night.  The darker it became, the darker my heart became.  Tonight, I feel all your prayers.  I know He is with me.  He was yesterday too, but He was holding me as I drowned in sorrow and regrets.  I know this is just the beginning....

Please continue to lift us up.  This is just the beginning of a long battle.  I don't know how I am going to put my baby in the cold ground and walk away.  I know I will not be walking away whole - I will have to figure out how to live with a gigantic piece missing.

Parents should never have to pick out headstones, grave sites, and plan funerals.....I cannot wait until He comes....

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you all. We met your husband and daughter on the flight to Shanghai and then met your newest daughters in Guangzhou. So heart-breaking that Brooke left this earth so soon. We are also local to the Seattle area, so let us know if you need anything. Come Lord Jesus Come! - Keith and Kelly

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