Thursday, October 25, 2012

Heart Weary.....

I knew this day would come...I thought I was there several times in the last several months, but each time I was strengthened and renewed for the fight through His Word and the stories of others...but here I am today; so heart weary that I don't want to see another little face needing a family...Another life, precious beyond measure, left to rot in a hellish place. 

Today was the day I clicked on the "New Children" tab on Reese's Rainbow and I just couldn't look any farther.  It was not that particular little beautiful face - just knowing that here was another little one who needs a mama to snuggle her and wipe her tears and a daddy to carry her in his strong arms and whisper to her that he will protect her.

After shouting and wrestling in prayer time after time for little one after little one, today I wished for a few moments that I just didn't know.  That I was still wrapped in my little self-focused life - enjoying the sunshine, dreaming about cinnamon rolls and making beautiful dresses for my girls and smiling as my boys play football on the street outside. 

Was there really a time that I didn't feel that constant tug at my heart, whispering that there are children somewhere in desperate need of love and just simple care - that need to be rescued from hell on earth?  Was there a time that I looked forward to the day when it would just be my husband and I at home, instead of thinking, "How old is too old to adopt another?" and smiling that we will never be alone?  Was there a time when I dreamed of fluffy handmade (by me) quilts in my kiddos rooms and plenty of time to do my favorite things, instead of figuring out how to squeeze at least one more bed into our house?  Was there really a time when I wanted nothing more than to just have acres to work on and time to can and bake and read a good book, instead of trying to figure out how to make a house handicap accessible while spending as little as possible?  Was there really, really time that I dreamed of diamond earrings, instead of wondering how tacky it would be to sell my ring to help pay for another adoption?  (Not that it would bring that much! ;-) )  Was there really a time when I felt like my self-focused life was glorifying to my Savior Who gave everything for me?

The war in my soul at the moment is one of weariness - of wanting to lay down the sword and just pretend there is not a battle going on.  My weary traitorous emotions want to just pretend that it all has not happened....to go back to the ignorant bliss of thinking I was just here to live my own life and that would be enough...

I am not a Hobbit fan - I never have been.  But my two oldest struck a bargain with me - if they read the whole series of books first, I would let them watch the Lord of the Rings movies.  I had no interest in watching them....but I just happened to be in the room at the end of the last movie.  Frodo and clan are back after their life-changing mission.  I hadn't followed the movie and honestly, it is just a movie, but I was immediately struck by the deep sadness in Frodo's eyes.  As life was moving on around him, it was like he couldn't truly rejoin his old world because of the damage that had been done to his soul in the battles he had gone through.  I almost cried.  I thought, "That is me!"  I can't just rejoin my old life....to pick up where I left off when God changed the course of my life by saying, "Look here.  See where My heart is.  See where I want your heart to be."  

The damage that has been done to my heart by seeing face after face, precious life after life being abused, neglected, starved, ignored, forgotten, beaten, tortured, cast aside.....The damage that is done by "friendly fire" when a family does step out in faith to rescue one of these precious children.  It creates scars so deep that they feel like they will never heal.  And when they do heal, the new covering is so stiff and foreign that the phantom pains and awkwardness never goes away... Frodo didn't truly smile and seem at peace until he was taken away to another world....

Somehow I think that will be part of the ending of my life....true peace and freedom from knowing will not come until He takes me Home.  Until then, I will always hear those whispers...the whispers telling me that another needs to be redeemed in this life, just as Christ has redeemed me...Redemption Whispers....Ahhhh, now I remember why I do this - my Savior did this for me, and so much more....How can I do any less? 

The battle is on...

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