Friday, July 27, 2012

I know what breaks God's's me.

If you are looking for the FUNdraiser post - it is down below.....

I have prayed for months that God would break my heart with what breaks His - today I realized that part of what breaks His heart is me.  I am ashamed to even write this post, but I have to - I have to for little Penny.

I am having trouble even typing this out…I saw little Penny's picture with the rest of the B* kids and I read her file.   She is 12 years old and weighs 21 pounds.  Her needs are so huge “on paper” - I also saw a brief video.  I am one that has always declared that every child is worth saving!  But after I read her file, I mentally put her "aside".   The needs seemed so great...maybe she wouldn't even know?  There are so many others to save...I am completely overwhelmed with guilt and shame for even thinking that!  Please know how it hurts me to see my sin out in true black and white.  

A woman met her today as she was at Penny's orphanage.  She truly saw her - not her diagnosis, not a couple of bad pictures - she saw Penny.   Now she is screaming to everyone she can.   This is what that wonderful woman wrote:

Mommy - where are you? I MET THIS CHILD TODAY. Please, Mommy, find her! I know her situation looks grave but the child I saw is ALIVE INSIDE. She is precious. Please help her find a family. I will answer any questions I can about her. She is in the bad orphanage in B but there is LIFE inside this child and when the authorities know a child is going to be adopted they are treated much better.”

After I read that, I just had to put my head down and sob for a while – even now I can barely see through my tears.  God has used this to break my heart and humble me.  This has hit me especially hard because I can remember the doctors acting like my precious Mimi was just a “vegetable.” (I am sorry for such a crass term – but that is how people think)  I was so overwhelmed with her issues, the unexpected, the unknown that I was lost in a sea of grief and doubt.  So I begged God to show me that there was a little person “in there” – I needed the hope and reassurance to be able to fight for her. 

Mimi was only a couple of days old at the time, wrapped in bandages and wires.  But immediately after I whispered my plea to our precious Father, she turned and looked at me.  I mean really looked at me and God allowed me to see her soul, her little personhood.  She was there!  She felt, she knew, she needed.....she need me!   I KNEW beyond the shadow of a doubt that she was “in there”.  A nurse came in and was blown away – she said she had never seen a newborn look at someone that way.  From that day on, I KNEW she was a person, a little soul to be treasured. 

If you could see little Mimi now - so full of life and personality - so beautiful, so loved - you would never understand my struggles then.  Here is my precious girl with her favorite older brother, The Warrior:

This gave me great courage and passion when Grace's orphanage came back three times to be sure that we really wanted her.  They kept asking us to read her medical files again and finally sent a video to watch.  Three times.  I know why.  They had never had anyone express interest in this little girl who on paper looked so bleak.  But, I knew that Mimi's file would look just as bleak to someone else - yet God had shown me her little soul.  I know Grace is there, too.  Worth every price - worth every sacrifice.  How can you say there is no life here?

Yet, knowing all of this - all that God has chosen to show me - I chose to dismiss the life inside of  another.  To hear this about Penny – whom I had mentally written off – just tore my heart right out of my chest.  I cannot stand the pain.  I am what breaks my Savior's heart - I, in my arrogance and my foolish scales to weigh who is worthy and who is not.  What a wretch I am - who but a perfect Savior could save me?

Little Penny - you are precious beyond measure.  Your life is of infinite value - your Savior loves you - and even now is with you.  You probably already know that. 

It would be a such an honor to be your Mama - an honor that I am completely unworthy of.  I would praise Him every day that you were with me for such an amazing gift.  I would treasure each time I could look into your eyes and whisper, "I love you.  You are such a precious gift."  I would definitely change your name - "Penny" does not describe your worth, your value.   God would have to move many mountains - and honestly, He has probably already chosen someone else to be your Mama that has loved you from the first time they saw you.  The loss is so much mine and I feel that loss pressing on my soul tonight.  Please know that you will always be in my heart and I will pray you home to your Mama. Someday when we meet in heaven, I will wrap my arms around you and ask for your forgiveness.  I love you, daughter of my heart.

To those reading this - each child is precious.  Each child is worth every sacrifice, every cost.  When you feel the whisper, "This one is not worth it", remember with me, that neither are we without our Savior's precious blood.

Please pray for a family to rescue her and treasure her. 

To Christ be the glory!

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