Sweet Redemption

We are preparing our first post-placement report to send back to Grace's country.  As I am going through all the photos, I am in awe of the changes that are taking place in her.  The photos from her orphanage (before we went to get her) and from our pick up trip are so different from the ones even a few weeks later.  The first set of photos,  she is very curled up and "tight".  Even her face appears pale and tight.

 But, by God's amazing grace, the longer she is home, the more she has changed.  It used to be hard to even sit with her because her legs and arms were so stiff.  We would try to prop pillows in all the right places to keep her from hurting.  We didn't even dare to "rock" in the chair because it scared her and hurt her.  Can you imagine?  But as I was holding her, rocking  her, last night I realized how long she was as she stretched out on my lap.  She does this on her own, with a big smile on her face.  She almost never has the pinched, painful look on her face.  She snuggles in with a happy sigh.  Ahh, redemption is sweet.  Even more so is the sweet peace of heart in knowing we are redeemed by the blood of our perfect Savior - ever more at peace with the God of the universe!

But I can never rejoice long in the precious, amazing changes in Grace without thinking of all the precious ones who wait for families.  Some are in very good orphanages, some are in their own personal hell.  But all need the redemption of families.  Please pray with me for these little ones.  Many I have posted before, some are new ones God has brought to my heart.  If you would like to know how to find out more about each of them, please leave me a comment.  The comment will not be posted - but it will get to me....

 

Sweet Amelia.  She is turning 12 this summer.  She has Down Syndrome.  Jesus loves this beautiful girl and has called us to care for her.  What will you do?

 

Ah, little Darlene.  How I love this little girl.  She has the same diagnosis as our new Firecracker that we are racing to save.  She is so beautiful.  How see needs a family!

Beautiful Isabelle.  She needs to be able to run and play.  She needs to grow and blossom under the love of a family.  She and Amelia have waited for so long.  They are most likely in the same orphanage.  She has Down Syndrome as well.

 

Little Jacob.  This little guy has caught my eye.  Can you not see the sparkle?  He has spina bifida that has paralyzed him from the waist down.  He is also missing a kidney.  He needs the love of a family and the care of medical doctors.

 

Little Joshua.  Oh, my heart!  He is very much like our own precious Grace.  He would be such an amazing blessing for a family!

 

My beautiful Kristina.  Still you wait.  I thought you would be immediately scooped up.  But the environment you live in is causing amazing damage.  I pray someone has the courage to save you.

Little Marnie.  You wait and wait.  How you would blossom with love.  Someone to make you smile.  Do they not see your worth?

Sweetest little Millie.  My mama's heart cries for you.  You need someone to break through the scars and damage of years of neglect.  So many love you, yet none so far can rescue you.  Where is your family, little one?  How I pray for you.

 

Little Kaylee, you have stolen my son, Smiley's heart.  How hard it is to see his tears for you and to hear him whisper, "Can't we just adopt her, too?"  Oh, if only it was that easy, my tender son.  Kaylee is said to be in good physical health, but is cognitively delayed.  Please see this beautiful little one.

 

 

Please join me in praying for these little ones - BIG PRAYERS - for God is able to do exceedingly more than we can ever ask or imagine.  Eph 3:20

 

In addition, my sweet daugher, The Helper, has hand made some dolls that she would like to see to help with The Firecracker and Sweet Pea's adoption costs (the kids insisted that they needed nicknames, too!).  She is asking $10 each.  Here are the two she has done...

 

Wow!  Her dollies sold within minutes....but she will be taking orders. :)  What a blessing for her!

 

 

This is Isabelle.

 

This is Lilly.

 

If you are interested in either dolly, please leave me a comment.  I love my sweet young lady!  We all can  take the "mites" that God has given us and bless others with them! 

 

 

May You be glorified in all things!

Grace abundant!

I have had several people ask for an update on Grace.  We have had so many doctors' appointments, I keep thinking, "I will post after we see Dr. SoandSo."  Well, then they have another test to do.  So, I think, "I will post after that test."  And then another week goes by...

My sweet Grace!  How to sum her up?  Sweet?  Precious? Treasured? Delightful? Content? Joy? Blessing?  Nothing quite comes close - except that she is abundantly all of them!

She isn't going to be one of those miraculous and incredible stories that ends with "And then she got up and walked after only 3 days home!"  I am being a little silly, obviously.  But there are some incredible stories out there - only our amazing God could do such things.

Her story, instead of including dramatic fireworks and amazing changes, is one of sweet contentedness.  Like a cold glass of lemonade, sweet and comforting, on a lazy summer day.  One of those moments that you can savor and enjoy forever.

 

Grace's favorite place to be right now.

Grace used to spend all of her life in her bed or in the same stroller.  Day after day after day.  Not because the staff did not care - but because they had so many others to care for, they did not have the resources for anything different, and I don't think they had the knowledge of how to care for someone with her level of disability.  The staff talked with her while they fed her and lovingly brushed her hair out of her eyes.  But then, driven by necessity, they had to move on to the next child.  She was loved very much - but she was still nobody's child.

 

Grace in her orphanage

From the first moment she heard The Warrior and my voices, we got the most amazing smiles.  It completely transforms her beautiful face!  The staff stood back with shocked and hesitant faces.  I didn't know what to think, but decided that we had waited too long for that moment to worry about
what others thought.

 

Snip and Grace snuggling

As the week went on and the staff began to talk with us, we began to understand.  We were the first and only family to ever adopt from the orphanage.  NONE of the other precious children were even listed for adoption.  Yu-Chi was only listed because her birth parents petitioned those in authority to list her.  It was done reluctantly because they were sure her needs were too great.  (And she waited...and waited for years.  I think the first picture I saw was dated 2010, on her 2nd birthday.)  At first I was very happy to think her birth parents loved her so much.  But, the social worker shook her head at my joy and said that it was only because they no longer wanted to pay the costs of housing her in the home.  Heartbreak!

Part of their shock was that no one could believe that we actually wanted her.  I think they were truly afraid we would meet her and change our mind.  Some were blinking back tears as The Warrior and I covered her with kisses.   Even the stoic high up official from her county that escorted us the first day.  (He spoiled us that day by treating us to an amazing lunch and dinner paid from his own pocket.  He also bought us bubble tea with a boyish smile on his face.  That night he toasted us as Grace's "angels" - I had never felt more humbled.  I assured him that she was our "angel" and we were the ones blessed.)

The other part of their shock was that they had never seen Grace smile and interact like she was with us!  Three different staff members told me privately that they were all discussing the amazing change in her.  They kept insisting it was "magic."  I told them it was "family" - but later wished I had told them the truth - that it was God's grace - she was God's Grace!

So what is sweet Grace's days like now?  She wakes up in a bed full of soft, pretty blankets with the sunshine streaming in.  (Unlike the brick wall out the distant window in her orphanage)  She wakes up to her mama smiling over her and telling her softly how loved she is.  (Okay, so she probably can't see me... but she can hear the love in my voice.)  Soon her daddy stumbles out and scoops her up to snuggle with her in their big chair until he has to start his day.  Oh, the smiles she has for her Daddy!  Especially when he is singing to her!  She snuggles in and smiles and laughs.  How wonderful it must feel to snuggle into a warm body - something she has never experienced before.

 

The Helper and Grace sharing a laugh

The rest of the day is a constant stream of brothers and sisters talking with her, gently massaging her stiff muscles, and holding her close - whether she is in her bed, in her cushioned chair, in the stroller, or on their lap.  Both The Testy Chef and I work on her range of motion activities.  Slowly but surely, we can move those little hands, wrists, arms, legs, feet, fingers teeny tiny bits more.  We are so excited.

 

Grace and I working on stretching.  She is so proud of herself!

When we first took her from the orphanage, she would shake with pain and fear every time we moved her.  It was so painful for her and heartbreaking for us.  I didn't want to move her or change her diaper because it made me so sad.  But I knew that it was for her best that we had to do those things.  Although not completely pain-free, we are able to move her without the same harsh, immediate pain-filled response.  My prayer is that we will soon be able to change her clothes and diapers without it causing any pain.  I know the only way is to keep working with those stiff little muscles to help them relax.  But it hurts my heart so badly...

I am going with random thoughts here as my coffee is running out....She LOVES her baths!  I am sure the warm water feels wonderful on her body.  She slowly, slowly stretches out her legs and uncurls her clenched fists as we use the time to massage as well as soap her up.  Then she LOVES the hair dryer!  Silly girl.

We have been to the neurologist, who was hopeful that she may not be having seizures anymore, we are waiting to hear the results.  But she took her off of three of her medications - what a blessing! She was a wonderful woman who grew up in Belarus, which gave her insight into many of the medications that Yu-Chi was on but are not in the US.

She was at the eye doctor on Friday, who would like more testing done.  Grace is very limited in her eyesight - we are just not sure how limited.  She can most likely see shadows and light, but she does not focus on anything.  Her eyes reflex to the light, but she doesn't appear to see faces, etc.  From the appointment on Friday, it appears that her eyes are working fine.  However, with the extent of her brain damage, there is a very real question as to whether her brain actually processes what her eyes see. That will be the next test some time in the next 6 weeks.

Mimi's therapist evaluated Grace as soon as we came home.  She started out very, very subdued and reserved with her comments.  But as Grace started to relax, the therapist was pleasantly surprised.  She felt that with ROM (range of motion) exercises, that she will continue to regain at least limited flexibility. 

We did realize the first day in the hotel that Grace has scoliosis.  This had not been mentioned in any of her evaluations, but was not a complete surprise.  So many of these little ones that cannot move on their own end up with curled and twisted bones as they sit in the same position for years.  As I mentioned, she has very stiff muscles.  Her hands are almost always clenched, except when we have been working with her.  The elbows are consistently bent over her stomach. BUT she is straightening her arms more and more on her own.  HOORAY!  Her hips splay outward, like a frog almost - but like her arms, she is straightening them more and more on her own.  In fact, it is very precious - she will get a huge smile on her face and then stretch because she knows what comes next.  We all cheer her on!  Her smile gets bigger and she stretches some more!  My heart just overflows with joy.

She still has her NG tube.  The doctor is planning to place a g-tube placed as soon as possible, but we have to wait until her system is cleaned out first.  She is still significantly constipated.  I was hoping we could try to give her bites of food, but she is terrified even when we brush her teeth.  Oh, and her teeth!  Poor, poor baby!  Her molars are just nubs in her mouth.  I don't know if it is from grinding or from her gums being so swollen from infection.  She has yellow "shells" of plaque on each tooth.  If I pick at them, I can get them to pop off - but she cries and cries that my hands are in her mouth.  She had horrible thrush on her tongue.  It stinks so badly when I brush it off.  But the brushing is slowly making a difference (as well as probiotics).  But just like changing her, it is so hard to gather the courage to work on her teeth because it hurts her so badly.  She has an appointment in two weeks with an amazing pediatric dentist.  He will probably need to put her to sleep to clean her teeth.  My poor girl.

The dietitian with the GI doc is simply wonderful.  She is slowly but surely working on Grace's deficiencies.  She has osteoporosis from lack of Vitamin D and good foods - so that is the next round of supplements we are adding.  Oh, and speaking of Vitamin D - she LOVES to be in the sunshine!!!!!  We asked the orphanage how many times she had been outside and we were told only once when she went to the hospital for pneumonia and once for the visa exam! More heartbreak for this Mama.

Every day it is warm enough, Handsome takes turns taking Grace and Mimi for walks.  They both love it!  Grace also loves being in the stroller outside or riding in the car.  Honestly, she is just a happy girl.

 

Happy days outside!

So long term for Grace?  Unless God chooses to do miraculous things (which He could!), she will be in a wheelchair all her life.  My "dream" goal - as in way-far-out there - is that she could learn to sit unassisted.  But right now, she can barely hold her head up on her own.  She most likely will never eat by mouth.  She will probably be non-verbal.  She has only a newborn's comprehension.  But, oh, her beautiful smile makes it all a blessings!

 

Just for good times - The Testy Chef, The Professor, Smiley, Snip, The Helper, The Warrior with The Boss on his shoulders, Romeo

 

 

The Prince, Grace, and I at my parents private campground.  You can't tell by the picture, but she loved it!

 

 

Little Mimi - what a dolly!

 

 

I am so blessed!  To Him be all glory, honor, and praise!

 

P.S.  I guess I wear that pink shirt too much.  ;-)

Ending the cliff hanger....

I am so sorry there are such long breaks between posts.  We have actually had sunshine here and that has kept us busy trying to get our new house in order.  Where we live, this might be the only sunshine for the next 8 weeks or more!

Anyway, I am forcing my heart back into that hospital room so many years ago.  It is hard to go back to the place of such deep despair.  It is easy for someone reading the story to focus on "and then they went home!" and not know the despair of just the unknown.  When we we go home?  Would we both go home?

I remember reading the story of Joseph in prison for the umpteenth million time and it finally hitting me that Joseph sat in prison for TWO years!  TWO years of never knowing if he would ever leave again.  The Bible doesn't give a hint as to his heart - but I have to believe there were moments of despair - and moments of deep faith.

I am afraid the moments of deep faith were missing from my story - much to my shame.  This is probably one of the two lowest points of despair I had reached in my entire life.  So many things were going on in my heart as God was teaching me so much in such a concentrated point of time.

One of the hard things was realizing I was not indispensable.  My mom and sisters were doing an amazing job of running the home front with Handsome.  Sure, it was a great deal of work - but they were doing it.  I could sit in the hospital room for however many weeks that God asked.  That was a very sobering and humbling thought.  It doesn't sound very spiritual, but it truly is a core issue.  To realize that God could (and would) use whatever or whoever He needs to accomplish His purposes.  He was using me, not because I was so amazing, but because of His grace.  It is ALL because of His grace - never because of us.

Right on the tail of that, I realized that they were all doing it with joyful hearts - I could not say I would be able to do the same thing if they needed it.  I would be torn between wanting to help and wanting to live my own life.  I would definitely do anything they needed - but I would probably have a grumbling heart.  Pretty sad realization to come to - to stare your own selfishness in the face amidst others sacrificing for you.  Again, God showing me how much I needed His grace.

I would stand in line at the cafeteria with just a blank, glazed look of perpetual shock.  I know, because I saw it in the other parents' faces that I knew were staying with their children in the hospital.  Not hope, not joy, but numbing despair.  I didn't want to look to see what the menu was for the next day, because I didn't want to acknowledge that I would need to eat there again.  I didn't want to acknowledge that I loved the onion rings served on Tuesday and Thursday because I didn't want to know I would have them again....

Each day would just blur in and blur out.  I knew all the nurses by their names - they all knew me.  I would race out 2 times a day and get my food as fast as I could (I would bring muffins to the room the night before for breakfast the next day) and race back up to the room because Mimi would start to cry (in her own way, just silent tears sliding down her face) if she woke up and found I was gone.  The lowest point was spending my birthday in the hospital while my family went on our annual camping trip without me.  I hugged Mimi close and knew that I wouldn't change it for a moment, but oh, how the tears flowed.  (Quickly, between nurse visits!)  I missed my children at home desperately!  I wanted to be the one to hug them in the morning and make pancakes.  I wanted to see their pictures and kiss their scrapes.  I wanted to be in a place with no beeping monitors and endless cords on my baby.  I felt so alone - but I see now that this was when He was holding me the closest.

When I was told it would be another few weeks, I called Handsome and my mom and we started laying out the "troop movements" (as we called the elaborate plans to keep 8 kiddos and Handsome taken care of).  I was just an empty shell.  Where was my Savior?

They kept trying to up her foods through the g-tube so they could stop the IV feedings.  But they would only up the amount by 3 mls a day.  I calculated that it would take 30 days before she would be up to full feedings.  Despair....

Two days after the doctor's prediction, despite my best efforts, Mimi's tube draining her lungs fell out.  I thought it was the final straw.  I knew they would have to put it in again and it was so painful....How could my baby suffer like that again?  WHERE WAS GOD?  HE HAD PROMISED TO GIVE ME THE STRENGTH!

I don't know how to describe what happened next, except that it seemed I stepped out of one story and into a completely different one.  Instead of the doctor saying that it had to be put back in, he ordered an x-ray.  This is the same doctor that had just told me "weeks".  He looked at it and said, "It all looks good now."  Then he said that we would just need to wait until her feeds were normal.  WHAT?  What just happened?  How could it change like that?  Only God...

But I quickly deflated, thinking of the calculation of 30 days for a full feeding.  However, the next day, the GI doctor, worried about her liver, said to up the feeds by 10 mls per feed, not per day and see how she did.  I was in shock as she handled each feed!  I could not believe it! 

Long story, short - we went from being told "weeks" to going home 5 days later.  Only God could do that!  I was even able to surprise my kids by getting home just before they got home from their camping trip!  I wish I could describe my joy! 

But, oh, I carried scars on my heart.  People would tell me that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle.  I finally started responding to that comment this way - God promises not to give us more than we can handle with His strength.  (People would always nod vigorously) And His strength is infinite, right? (To which they would nod with a big smile) Then that means that He can ask us to do something that is so infinitely hard that we cannot breathe on our own under the weight of it.  (They were not sure how to respond at this point and their smiles fell away.)  I would reassure them that God had indeed kept His promise  - He had brought me through it all - but not without scars.  I have come to love those scars as symbols of His Hand upon my life - but like any scar, it takes years before it starts to fell like it is a comfortable fit.

Even as I was going through all of this, I knew I needed to be joyful always as we are told in 1 Thessalonians.  The most I could squeeze out of my scarred heart for the last 4 years was being thankful that we were no longer at that hospital.  (Pretty pitiful, huh?)  Thankful that He had brought us home as a family.  Thankful that though we have had more surgeries and emergency visits, that nothing like that has ever happened again...

So what was my monumental day?  (From 3 posts ago!)  As I drove up the hill to the hospital with Grace as we began the first of many, many doctors' visits to come, I was completely and utterly overwhelmed with thankfulness that I had been through all of this before.  That God - in His faithfulness and all-knowing love - knew that He had special children waiting thousands of miles away from us that would need me to know in great detail how the whole medical system worked.  To know how to advocate for my child and to navigate the world of hospitals, doctors, and nurses.  The thankfulness was so deep and full that tears just poured down my cheeks.  Only God.  Only He could have done this - to take my pitiful, selfish, sinful self - and the walk through the valley of the shadow of death - and turn it into an avenue for life for other precious children.

Psalm 84 says it this way:

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.As they pass through the Valley of Baca, [a desert land]
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion.

God definitely brought me from strength to strength as I walked the desert that He had laid before me.  His promises weren't void because I could not see them at the time - they were even more precious later as I realized He never broke them as I doubted Him.


To Him be all glory, honor, and power!

God's Grace

Well, I found my last post a little ironic yesterday as I was riding in the back of an ambulance again.  Was I truly able to be thankful?  Was I truly able to trust?

Yesterday, while sitting not even 8 feet from me, Mimi put something in her mouth and began to choke.  She coughed and vomited, coughed and vomited, and then turned blue.  Even as I was doing all I knew to do from all the CPR/First Aid classes, my baby turned blue and lost consciousness. 

I am praising God that it did clear, although we never saw it.  But she was still very blue and very unresponsive.  The firemen were here in less than 5 minutes and they were the most wonderful men!  Hard to know if they just seem bigger and stronger because they come in the moment of your greatest need, or if they are just THAT big and strong.  To see strong hands holding my tiny girl so tenderly reminded me of my Heavenly Father holding her even then.

Although she was disoriented and a little blue still, she quickly recovered.  Much quicker than I ever will!  I don't think my heart is beating normal yet.  Because of her special needs and how slowly she was returning to normal color, the EMT wanted us taken by ambulance to the nearest children's hospital.  I was torn, but he didn't give me much choice!  He was bigger than life and very insistent...so no arguments from me.

So, once again I found myself in the back of an ambulance with little Mimi.  How different this trip was from the trip almost 5 years ago.  Instead of being whiter than I ever believed an "alive" person could be, she was pink and rosy.  Instead of being unresponsive, she was cranky to be stuck in her car seat.  She eventually fell asleep and I had plenty of time to think over the last 5 years.  I was still a bit in shock and we still didn't know for sure that she was okay, so there was a lot of prayers.  Asking Him to show the doctors what was wrong, if there was something.  (At the time, we didn't know she had swallowed something - so it raised a lot of questions as to why she would pass out...)

But once again, I was able to praise my Savior for His Hand upon my family....back to my story from the previous post....

After Mimi had been brought back to life - we were told she was "resuscitated" - but were never given any details - there were so many questions.  She obviously had a severe infection, but what was it?  Her abdomen was full of fluid - where was it coming from?  They stopped all feeds and just gave her nourishment through the IV. 

This is when I truly learned that medicine is a "practice", not a science.  I still had had the impression that doctors could figure all this out with tests and knowledge.  But the first day I heard the shifting from the PM doctor to the AM doctor, I was shocked how different their views were.  We had quite a few doctors, in fact.  One that I called Dr. Gregarious (and not in a nice way), wanted to just "cut her open" and see what the problem was.  Fortunately, the other two doctors (whom I highly respected) shut him down like a too eager puppy.  Horrors.  All that could really be done was to wait....and wait....and wait.

The only thing that marked the passing of my days was the changing of the nurses.  I slept in a chair in the PICU because I couldn't stand to leave her.  I wanted her to know that I was always there, holding her hand or singing to her.  Plus, I realized from our previous hospital stay that although the doctors and nurses cared a great deal - they had to take care of all the patients - not just Mimi.  She does not cry aloud, she does not fuss a loud.  There was no way they would know she was hurting or scared unless they happened to be standing there....

Finally they moved us out onto "the floor", into a regular room where I had a chair that converted to a bed and where I could eat in the room.  (In the PICU, I would run outside the doors and scarf down my food and rush back within 5 minutes.  I don't know if the staff was impressed or grossed out - I just didn't care.)
But, the pic line was already beginning to fail....and her liver was starting to react to the "food" put through the IV.  I could tell by the serious look in our doctor's eyes that he was gravely concerned....

They decided that while we were there, they would have some of the specialists that we were supposed to see, just come see us on their rounds.  One was Dr. Stefanelli, an amazing pediatric cardiologist.  I first saw him at the other hospital when Mercy was born.  Before I knew who he was, I would see him walking through the hallways.  I must admit he was drop dead gorgeous.  However, I took an instant dislike to him because he seemed so cold and curt to the staff.  However, when he came in to Mimi's room, he was so tender and kind - one of those that truly and tenderly cared for his little patients.  After a week or so, I realized that he had to be so cold to the nurses because they flirted so outrageously with him.  Poor man!

When Dr. Stefanelli came to see us this time, I was pretty worn down and emotional.  I was glad for his honest questions and straight forward answers.  He was there with his assistant to do an ultrasound on Mimi's heart.  (She had 4 small holes).   He was gently telling me what he was looking for as his assistant flipped the machine on.  He smiled at me and then glanced at the screen.  His face went rock hard as he clenched his jaw.  He nodded at his assistant and she raced out of the room.  WHAT?  What just happened?  He leaned forward and put his hand on my shoulder.  He softly said, "Her lung has collapsed.  Please don't worry.  I will get her the help she needs."  Even as the tears began to fall down my face, he strode out of the room and began calling out orders to the nurses to do exactly as he said.  That man was a force to be reckoned with!  Another angel in disguise?

Within minutes, Mimi was back in the PICU with a tube inserted in her lung to drain it.  This is extremely painful - how much more could my little one take?  And the pic line began to fail in earnest....I couldn't take it anymore.

One of the (many) difficult things about staying in the hospital is that there is no place to cry.  If you cried in front of the nurses, or they could tell you had been crying, they immediately sent for the social worker.  He was very nice - but I didn't need to assure him again that I would be alright.  Some days my mom would drive the 40 minutes to the hospital and I would take her car and go home for a few hours to be with my other treasures at home - but I would sob all the way home and all the way back.  Gut-wrenching, loud sobs - because it was the only time I was free to let it all out.  I don't know how I managed to safely drive - God must have guided the car with His own Hand.

So I bit my lip as we seemed to have taken 10 steps backward - after only one step forward!  Finally, one of the surgeons that I highly admired (and who helped to keep Dr. Gregarious in check) came to see me privately.  He said he was sure that the pic line was going to fail completely and that he wanted to run a Broviak line to her heart before that happened.  He said it was a bit of an unusual step because Broviak lines are usually reserved for cancer patients - but he said he was afraid for Mimi.  How do you hear the concern in such an intelligent man's voice and say, "No"?  He did the surgery the next day, just as the pic line failed completely.  God's grace, again.

Her body was still having a tough time with the IV feeds, but they could only put about 3 mls of food in her per hour without her throwing up.  (Just to give perspective, she should have been having about 25 mls per hour)  Her lung was still draining nasty pus.  By now, we had been in the hospital for 3 weeks....3 long weeks away from my home.  3 long weeks of not knowing if what the next day would bring.... Finally, a doctor told me that she would probably need the drain in for another few weeks.  A few WEEKS?  I couldn't bear the thought.  I collapsed in prayer the moment he left.  I loved my baby and would do anything in my power I could for her - but I didn't have anything left to give.

A Monumental Day

Yesterday was a monumental day for me! 

 

I am afraid some of the joy has diminished with the news from Boston.  I am praying for each of those families.  I am also praying for those in that area, whether they were there or not.  How great the fear must be!  As a mama, it would be very hard to let my children leave the house again - I would have to learn to trust Him on a whole new level to get beyond such terror.  Come, Lord Jesus, come...

 

I am afraid that most people will not understand why yesterday was so huge...but I know a few of you will... 

 

Yesterday I had the first appointment for my new Grace at Mary Bridge Children's Hospital.  We had gone to a few other appointments close to our home, but this was the first at Mary Bridge.  I am afraid that "Mary Bridge" is said at our home with a bit of fear and trembling. 

 

When Mimi was 2 months old (we had only been home from the NICU for about a month), she was throwing up all her food.  She is g-tube fed and I assumed I was doing something wrong.  We were sent to Mary Bridge for a test.  My kids were terrified to let me out of the house, but I assured them that it was just a little test and I would be home about 2 hours later.

 

That was not to be.  It was determined that Mercy had pyloric stenosis - the thickening of the muscle at the end of the stomach.  Hers was so severe that no food was getting past it - it just came back up.  This is an immediate admission to the hospital.  I didn't even get to come home to say good bye to the kids.  I sat in the lobby waiting for our room and cried my eyes out!  I could not believe God would allow this to happen.  My kids were in a panic - along with poor Handsome and my mom.  But the staff assured me we would be home in 2-3 days.

 

Well, we did go home after 3 days.  We were so relieved, The Helper's birthday was the next day, we were ready to celebrate.  BUT, within an hour of being home, I knew something was wrong.  Mimi was in such horrible pain.  Within 6 hours of leaving Mary Bridge, we were racing in the back of an ambulance from the local hospital back to Mary Bridge.  They couldn't get an IV in her, she was as white as death.  I was in so much terror, I was going numb.

 

Thus began our next 30 days in the hospital.  She had a horrible infection - they didn't know what it was.  They tried all night to get any kind of line in her.  I finally called Handsome and told him to come.  When he got there, the doctor told us their only option was to cut her neck open and tried to access a vein that way. HORRORS!  We were told to "prepare" and come see her one last time before the surgery.  Not the words you ever want to hear from a doctor - or see the sorrow in his eyes as he speaks to you.  Handsome said we would be right there, but wanted to stop and pray.

 

We weren't 4 minutes behind the doctor, but when we reached the door of the NICU, we were told that we couldn't go in and that the social worker was coming to speak to us.  As a parent, you just know.  They don't send the social worker unless it is grim.  We sobbed in the waiting room and called our parents.  I thought, "I can't be planning my baby's funeral!"  What grief - indescribable.

 

After about 20 minutes, a jovial older doctor bounced out and said, "You can go see your baby."  There was another couple in the waiting room.  Handsome looked at them and said, "You must mean them, our baby is dying."  The doctor said, "No, it's your baby."  We were sure he was wrong, but followed him back.  Our little Mimi was so tiny, even in that NICU bed.  She had bruises everywhere from all the attempts to run a line.  She was so swollen and white.

 

Finally, the story came out.  The jovial doctor had been called to do the surgery with the neck.  He was sitting next to a colleague and told him what he had to go do.  The colleague, who was NOT in pediatrics, asked if he could come try first.  He jammed an IO in her leg (a medical procedure developed in combat where a spike is jammed into the bone and some fluids can be absorbed that way) and then was able to run a PIC line.  Everyone was in disbelief.  We never met this doctor.  His name?  Doctor Lord. 

No kidding.

 

However, this was not the end of our horrific journey....but little Grace needs her breakfast, then Mimi.  I will be singing praises over her this morning.  Such memories....stay tuned.

 

To Him be all glory, honor, and praise!

Baby Blues

As I watch my wonderful husband snuggle our newest Grace from Taiwan, my heart aches for all those who don't know a Daddy's love and his strong arms around them.

 

 

 

First, my heart goes to my daughters waiting in Eastern Europe.  Oh, Serenity and Hope, how Mama longs to hold you.  To at least try to start to soothe all the wounds your little hearts have suffered over the years.....

 

 

But then, my heart drifts to four others...four that need families desperately...four that have been passed over again.

Little Darlene - whom we call "Dori" here.  What a dolly.  This is the worst picture of her.  I have seen videos, she is so tiny and so precious.

 

Precious Kristina....how I have loved her from the first time I saw her picture last summer.  Where is your family, little one?

 

Sweet Millie....soon will be 9 years old.  Oh, baby, you need a Daddy to swing you up in the air and a Mama to dress you in pretty dresses.  Millie has a $6500 grant toward her adoption.

 

 

And Sammy - little boy, there is a Daddy here that would love to scoop you up.  We are praying for a family for you.  How you would thrive!  UPDATE:  It appears that Sammy has a family!  Praise the LORD!

 

 

Please join me in praying for these ones...

 

Please also keep Yu-Chi Grace in your prayers.  We are starting her doctors' appointments.  How hard they are on her!  It hurts her to move.  It hurts to be prodded.  Oh, she is so scared.  Please pray for relief for her from her pain.  We see the GI doc tomorrow - hoping to get the g-tube placed quickly as we have already made one ER trip to have the NG replaced.  Not fun.

 

Sweet Jesus, act on the behalf of these little ones.....

 

"Polite" Conversations

Imagine you woke in a hospital bed.  Maybe you have no idea how you got there.  You are in excruciating pain and you are thirsty...oh, how you are thirsty...and hungry.  You cannot move out of the bed you are in, you can do nothing to relieve your pain, your hunger, or your thirst.  You lay and wait for someone to come....

 

Waiting...Waiting...Waiting...

 

Surely someone will come.....surely?

 

As the hours pass, you are slowly overwhelmed with loneliness.  Is there not someone who cares?  Can loneliness drive someone insane?  You are beginning to wonder.

 

Finally, you hear someone coming!  Finally relief! 

 

The person who comes roughly changes you, shoves some nasty food and a putrid drink down your throat - hardly soothing and comforting....and then just leaves.  Nothing for your pain...nothing for your loneliness...

 

"Wait!  Wait, come back!", you try to call, but no one hears.

 

Oh, the loneliness and despair.  How can this happen?  Where are the people that care?

 

Finally, one day, you awake to the blessed sound of conversation drifting around you!  Your eyes pop open to see all kinds of people...doctors, business men, young men and women, older men and women, pastors, church goers, neighbors....Ahhh, finally!  Someone will help you!

 

Yet, their conversations drift over you, they are never directed at you.  The conversation is all very polite and all about you.  They are discussing you - discussing very politely if your life is worth saving.  

 

Some are very focused on the financial aspect - how much care you will need, how much that will cost with rising health care issues.  What if they don't have enough money?  What a risk!  They argue that wisdom and caution must be used.  Your life would be very expensive to maintain.

 

Some are very focused on the time aspect.  How will people have enough time to take care of you with all the rest of their responsibilities?  There is so much that should be done in life.  So many ministries.  They say, "Just think about how taking care of you will limit their ability to be flexible for whatever God may call them to do."  They shake their heads....they must keep their time free...it must not be tied up.

 

Some focus on how crazy it seems.  God surely couldn't be calling someone to lay down their life, ummm, sacrifice their life, umm waste their life (yes, that sounds better) on one person.  God surely has great plans that need to be attended to....surely greater than giving up everything for one person.

 

Some look around and say, "Look, this person is cared for.  They are changed and fed.  That is enough.  They are doing well.  What more could they need?"  As if all a life needed was a little food and water.  As if there was no such thing as a human heart and the God-given need for family.

 

Many people mention the word "calling"....saying they don't feel called - or gifted to take care of you.  Surely God would never have them do something they didn't want to do, ummm, feel "called" to do.  God wants us to be happy right?  He said He called us to a life of sacrifice, umm, happiness.  Because He loves us!

 

This polite conversation goes on for a long time.  Some people are quickly done with the conversation and exit.  Some leave and come back....leave and come back.  Some earnestly continue this polite conversation for a very long time.  But in the end, they are all satisfied with their conclusions that you are not their responsibility...

 

So many polite conversations...

 

Polite conversations over a dying man.

 

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It reminds me of another "polite" conversation recorded in John 9. 

 

A blind man is suffering in his condition....he needs care.  He needs help. 

 

What do the disciples - the followers of Christ - do?

 

They start a "polite" conversation over the top of him....trying to determine whose fault it was that he was in the condition he was in?

 

The text does not say, but I would think the logical next step to finding out whose fault it was that he was blind, would be that they could then determine whose responsibility it was to care for him.  If it was his fault, then no one needs to help, right?  If it was his parents' fault, then it would be their responsibility...

 

Obviously, it didn't occur to the disciples to reach out to help him...to ease his suffering...he was not their responsibility.

 

Can you imagine being that man?  To have this "polite" theological debate going on around you, while you are suffering?  While you are crying out for help.

 

All glory to Christ, that not only did He point out the significance of each life in God's plan, but He reached out to ease this man's suffering.

 

Others were too busy having a "polite" conversation over a suffering man.

 

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Why do I bring this up, do you ask?  As I sat in the orphanage/nursing home with my sweet Yu-Chi girl, I saw other little ones in horrible suffering...incredible pain...terrible neglect.

 

Just as other families have said - and I did not understand - the caregivers love the children but they have NO resources, NO time, and NO education on how to take care of these precious little ones with needs.  They can feed them, change them, and brush the hair out of their eyes if there is time - maybe even whisper a sweet word in their ear - but this NEVER replaces a true family.  It is better than nothing...and some children have nothing.

 

As I was praying for each little twisted body and pain-filled face, it struck me that these were the little ones that we have "polite" conversations about.  

Little lives that we "hem and haw" over...

"Is this really worth our time?" 

"Is it too crazy?" 

"Do we already have enough on our plate?" 

"We are so tired already....so tired...is this really the right thing?" 

 "What about the rest of our children?  Is this fair to them?"

"Shouldn't others step forward, too?"

 

Don't get me wrong, all of these questions do have their place.  A husband and wife do need to carefully consider the commitment that they are making! 

 

However, there is a difference between saying,

"How can we make this work?" and "Should we make this work?"

 

Maybe a better question to start with is "Can God make this work?" - meaning, has God given us the basic things necessary to do this?  Do we believe that He will provide for all aspects of what He asks us to do?  Do we believe that He is Sovereign?  That He can open or close this door according to His perfect Will?

 

Then, if the answer is "Yes" - then move on the the "How" instead of the "Should" - don't spend time on polite conversations over dying children.

 

Really, should we be saying, "Should we save this child from pain, anguish, suffering, and death?" or should we be saying, "How can we save this child from pain, anguish, suffering, and death?'

 

The "how" implies actions - not polite discussions that make us feel better.

 

I will state again - not every family will adopt!  Maybe the "how" for your family is fervently praying for another family to step forward.  Maybe it is advocating and sharing that child's needs.  Maybe it is donating to their adoption account if they have one.  But if you are obedient to what God says in His Word, there will be some kind of action!

 

I understand the polite conversations - I absolutely understand them.  Handsome and I have had plenty of our own polite conversations - that is how I know they exist!  Before Yu-Chi came, we knew we wanted to adopt Serenity and Hope - we had countless polite conversations, until God finally grabbed our attention and rocked our world!

Honestly, the first night that I came home with Yu-Chi, it was 11:30 pm and we were exhausted!  Handsome was tired from running the show at home while I was overseas and I was exhausted from travel and missing my family.  He looked at me and said, "Can we really do this?"  I saw the anxiousness in his eyes - but I also knew his heart.  He was not really questioning our decisions, he was just feeling the weight of them.  However, I was instantly transported back to the babies left behind in the orphanage and I assured him that it was a matter of life or death; that God has clearly shown us time and again that He will provide whatever we need. 

This does NOT mean that we aren't so tired that we can barely function.

It does NOT mean that we don't have to rely on Him to provide for each medical bill and need for our growing family.

It does NOT mean that there aren't times of tears and sorrow and grief.

It does NOT even mean that we never have to go back to our Savior and ask, "Are we doing what You want us to do?"

But I am hoping that it means that we are done with "polite" conversations.  That our only question is, "What are You asking us to do in this situation?"  Not trying to find a way to dodge the responsibility laid before us.

No more polite conversations over dying children....we will be His hands, His feet. 

As many have said, God has called the church to care for the orphan...not governments, not organizations, but His people.....So, if we do not, who will?  Do we not think He will not call us into account for the neglect of His Word and His children?

To Him be all glory, honor, and power.

Until He comes....